new home

I'm moving, and no longer using Blogger. Please check out my new place at http://nathan.cottonwoodcreek.net.

And update links, etc. Thanks.

gravely photos

Daniel and I drove to a gravel pit to take photos (and play with his new camera.) His battery died after 4 shots, but I managed a few shots. Click any thumbnail to see the intermediate sized photo.

now with 60% more power!

I've had the Tower of Power in the living room for a while now, sitting between the right speaker and the subwoofer. For my birthday I got a Airport Express, and since then it has been behind the tower, with a network cable running around the living room to the router. Yesterday I drilled a hole in the floor, then climbed under the house and moved a network cable. Then I moved the cable modem and router to the entertainment tower, and ran a short network cable from the router to the Airport. The cable under the house runs from the router in the living room to the hub in the office, where it splits off to Gandalf, the Headless Horseman, and Jamaica.

1. The Airport can barely be seen peeking above the top of the tower, and is too washed out to see in this picture. He not only provides AirTunes for our listening pleasure, he also provides wireless network for Christy's laptop as well as for our tenents.
2. This VCR is actually the oldest gear in the rack. We bought it new when we were first married. It still plays the 2 or so times a year we use it, and, more importantly, it tunes in the cable so that we can hear TV on the stereo the rare times we watch it.
3. The DVD player was purchased last year along with most of our sound setup...
4. ...as was this kickin receiver.
5. The cable modem just sits there and works. And blinks. The blinking is cool.
6. The router is from a friend (who I suppose technically still owns it) and was set up in an attempt to have VPN between our networks. Except that this doesn't talk the right kind of VPN.
7. Christy's xBox (that only I play) was a prize for being totally über on the Microsoft help desk.
8. Christy's PS2 was purchased used for the sole purpose of playing Final Fantasy X. It has since been used for Final Fantasy X-2 and Final Fantasy VIII (see a pattern here?)

Before getting the Airport Express I was contemplating putting the Headless Horseman in the tower somewhere for similar purposes, but I think this works better. Once I finish the entertainment center, perhaps I can fit my Nintendo in there somewhere.

the other guitar

Ever since I got back into running sound seriously about 4 years ago (during my stint at Vanguard) I have not really played my guitars much. Even after I got my Washburn out and restrung it a month ago, I have only played it twice. Tonight after the (lightly attended) movie, Steve and I started talking guitars, so I had to pull them out and show him. He played around on the Washburn while I pulled out my flamenco guitar.

It had been so long since I played it that I had forgotten it is missing its D string.

But I tuned up the other 5 strings and made enough pretty noises on it to demonstrate for Steve its unique sound. And to remind myself how incredibly rich and beautiful this instrument sounds, even in these hands of mine. And I realize I miss it a lot.

Time to buy strings. And time. Lots and lots of spare time. Anyone know where to buy that?

my photography sucks

Every so often I compare my photos to my previous photos and see how far I have come. But if I compare my photos to those of some random economist...

love

loved

After I got out of the shower this morning, I found conversation hearts surrounding my coffee cup.

Then I went into the bedroom and found a few more.


And by my backpack, which had already had a packed lunch put in it, I found more.


And in the car, more.


She is a hopeless romantic. Which is part of why I love her.

needed discomfort

Joel Maust's blog just made me uncomfortable. And that is a good thing.

frozen downspout

returning to the dojo

There is a kid of about 14 that started karate at about the same time we did. He has not been into it at all; pairing up with him was always an exercise in frustration. But last night he was just on. He was paying attention, focused, learning, and really trying the katas. I paired up with him once, and was surprised to find him highly in-tune, even checking with me where his punches had landed (the aim is the solar plexus.) It was during our pairing that he told me (quite quietly) that he had used his training at school; apparently he was pinned against a locker and defended himself. And so between Monday and Thursday he saw the value of his training, and now is vigorously pursuing his training.

And the more I thought about it, the more it felt like a metaphor for the Christian walk. We know intellectually that something is good for us, we want it, and yet we pursue our walk so half-heartedly. But there often comes a day when we use our training; we feed the hungry, we love the loveless, we sign a lease for someone with bad credit to rent an apartment. And in those moments we see with new awareness the value of our faith. And we return to the metaphorical dojo, full of energy and vitality, ready to pursue our relationship with God with all that we are.

a conversation

I had this conversation with someone over email recently. After reading my blog this individual, out of love for me, expressed some concern over some of my, uh, mental tangents here. A few emails really helped clarify things, and I realized that the explanations offered could help others understand this blog (and my mind) a bit better as well. I chopped a few things out for clarity, and finally spellchecked it, and tweaked a few other words. And yes, I have permission from the other writer to post this.

I took a little break from my work and explored that link on Nathan's blog. I got a big, heart-thumping check in my spirit regarding some of what I found there, esp. when linked to your thoughts that you're no longer "called" to corporate worship.

I don't pretend to own a thorough understanding of postmodernism, but as a Boomer, this much is clear. Self, not God, is at the center of the search. [1]
...
This is scary stuff. A lot of similarities to 1st century gnosticism. I'm just sayin.'

Hard questions should be explored, but in the right context. God is the center, first, last and always. The basic experience of salvation is taking us out of the center of our lives and putting God there. Losing yourself in your own intellect has always been a dangerous path. One of your blogger friends also warns against it.

The open source theology site is not indicative of where I am at. For one thing, I don't spend the hours required to really get into just reading the discussions. I leave it up to peek in at occasionally, to see what sorts of discussions are occurring. I like the constant reminder that there is more than one way to look at an issue, even from committed Christians. It does not mean that I think all the ways are equal, or right, or even that I think any of the ways presented are right. Some of it is complete bunk, or is so high minded it has no meaning. But when I read a thread like In Defense of Infant Cannibalism I can't help but laugh at how well it lampoons many of the 'logical' methodologies used by postmodernists. (Including myself, which is the point where I have to gulp.)

I look at all this stuff because I do believe that Jesus Christ is absolute truth, is the Logos. But unlike some modernists, I do not believe that we have the capacity to understand it (the truth) completely. But it is my desire to understand as much of it as possible, to learn from those who have gone before, to learn from those who are forging ahead now, to seek out truth and try to find it amidst all the chaff. Because I believe God will reveal himself (or herself?) to those who earnestly seek him. The American Protestant Church offers a lot, but the longer I am in it the more I feel like it is incomplete. I am seeking that completeness. That part that the Catholic and Orthodox traditions have amid the bits they have missed. That part that can only be understood via eastern philosophies. That part that was lost with the onset of modernism, that is now found with a different worldview. All while trying not to lose what we gained from the modernist point of view, from the western/greek philosophies, from the protestant traditions. I'm attempting the impossible, I know. But ultimately, the point is that no one has figured out the one absolute perfect way to know God fully. If they had, they would write a book on it, which is why I keep reading. ;-)

As far as the going around church post, it may help to know that it followed in a series of posts that started with somewhere between oblivion and infinity, was touched on as part of a good day with a good friend, then was again spoken of in a rabbi and a christian pollster walked into a bar... and a paradox. It is a journey. And it is being made partially with the Shackelfords, with whom we are developing a spectacular relationship. And it has included Johann the Viking in his growth into faith again.

And this email is important too. Really, it is the whole point. Look for the path through the undergrowth as we seek the narrow way. It might be a rabbit trail, but we always have to have people help us realize that. That is part of the importance of corporate worship. But sometimes the whole group goes down the rabbit trail too. It's about seeking to know God. And I (currently) believe it can only be found via... community.

So thanks for checking up on me. I appreciate it. And I would love to have your continued input. Community is no longer defined solely by geography, for good and for ill. I value your addition to it. I'll keep attempting to accomplish orthopraxy while trying to have, and simultaneously to obtain, orthodoxy. [2]

That is good to know. I admire the seeking, the journey.
...
From what you have told me of your early experiences of corporate faith, you were denied spiritual adolescence. My take is that this hole in your spiritual formation has left you always seeking the edges. I understand that, because I am now repairing gaping holes from my earliest years. But I hope that you don't choose to freeze there.

It gladdens my heart that you see both the value and the bunk in the Open Source Theology site. There are some interesting lines of inquiry. I did read the cannibalism satire. How do you pass up a title like that? I also know that it's easier to disparage and drop out than it is to engage and persevere in making things better.

In my less-than-thorough perusal, I also ran across a few truly disturbing things.
...
The trail I followed in that link triggered that spiritual sense and frightened me. I could not ignore it. The compulsion to write a warning was as strong as the spirit's urging to confront {brother} when he mocked Christianity at our house.

My life's work has been to create out-of-the-ordinary tools to help teachers lead out-of-the-ordinary kids toward encounters with God. I would never try to force you into a classic mold. The unique combination of my current healing journey and reading Christy's musings and yours are quickening in me a sense that those tactile, multi-intelligence experiences need not to stop with childhood.
...
Experiential faith is powerful. It touches our spirit in ways that intellectual discussion and inspired teaching cannot. A church that offers a balance of all those things and centers them on a pure presentation of the gospel would truly bring growth and healing to those blessed to share in its ministry. I wish you that.

I really have moved on past my early religious experiences. I recognize the hurt, the damage, and I forgive. I can even be in that environment without anger. But I can also see no need to place myself back in a system that I have seen fail more times than I have seen it succeed.

The churches around here are generally quite schmaltzy, and bad music abounds. We're still trying to figure out how to stay within the Westwinds community because we believe in their intention, but their weekend implementations don't fit us. Mark Van Valen at the FM church is a great teacher, and I walk away with great information, but it doesn't bring me personally any closer to God and the rest of the service there definitely takes me further away spiritually. I would like to find a good church around here, but it is hard to find. People we ask either don't get the question, don't understand why we would be looking, or suggest their own church with 'advertising' that lets me know not to try. Several spiritually searching friends have been trying a church in Albion, but the more I hear about it the more I feel warded off from it. So, in short, don't fear church or have a need to reject it, but I also don't have a place to go. As U2 said, "I'd break bread and wine if there was a church I could receive in."

Actually, it scares me how many U2 lines reflect my spiritual journey. But I digress.

[1] "I don't pretend to own a thorough understanding of postmodernism, but as a Boomer, this much is clear. Self, not God, is at the center of the search." Looking back at this a week after the conversation, I wanted to comment on what I did not see in the beginning. I think that part of what the Postmodernist Christian sees is that the Modernist Christian worldview also generally puts self, not God, and the center of the search. Postmodernists just point it out more. The way they do can range from justification (the 'everyone else is doing it, so I will too' approach) to self-betterment (the 'by spotting this in myself and others, I can help myself and others move beyond this problem' approach.) I strive for the second, land in the middle, and from outside could look like I'm anywhere on the spectrum.
[2] Orthodoxy is defined here as "correct belief" or "correct teaching". Orthopraxy is defined here as "correct practice" or "correct living".

first annual 29th birthday

On the first attempt of installing SUSE, it hung halfway through. On the second attempt, it succeeded. Then I made the mistake of updating the installation... and the nVidia drivers update killed X. And that's when I learned that Yast has no good way of un-updating packages without getting into X. On the 3rd install, it hung halfway through. Jamaica me crazy.

So I'm burning the Gentoo ISO as I type this.

And this is why I'm glad to have a sandbox.

vanilla

There is always a slight terror involved in admitting publicly that you are different. Should I stay quiet, letting people like me for what they know I appreciate, or take the chance and express my preferences, knowing they may dislike me for it, or appreciate my honesty?

I'm one who generally likes strong flavors, rich, meaningful experiences. Blandness is not my forté. I drink espresso straight, I drink Guinness instead of Bud, I drive a supercharged car, I married Christy. I also like rich music in many forms, from Wyclef Jean to NIN to Allison Kraus to Billie Holiday.

This weekend at Westwinds, the 'walk-in' and 'walk-out' portions of the service is a live DVD of Switchfoot. For the life of me, I can't see what anyone sees in this band. Everyone I know seems to love them. I listen to their music (and now see the heavily overdubbed live show) and see all the flavor of reheated plain oatmeal. It's not like I've just not heard them enough to 'get it' either; the only way I can drive from work to home without hearing something by them (or a soundalike band like Matchbox Twenty or Goo Goo Dolls, each of which were doing boring music before Switchfoot came on the scene) is to not listen to the radio. They started out in the Christian music world, which may be why so many people like them, but to me that simply explains where they learned to be so generic sounding.

Maybe it is the blandness within Christendom that disturbs me so much, how so often, even at 'arty' places like Westwinds, we settle for the mundane. I should think we should be the ones striving for more and better, and living life fuller. Yet the less-progressive churches settle for Maranatha! songs, and the more progressive ones are stuck with Charlie Hall and David Crowder Band and the newer Chris Tomlin works. To me, these are songs as devoid of flavor as can be, and worse yet, I find them less spiritually meaningful than the average Pussycat Dolls song. Why can't we be singing songs with great flavor, with great spiritual meaning? Where is the Robbie Seay, the Paul Beloche, the Jon Shirley music? How about the Enter the Worship Circle music, or music by those who have been in the circle (100 Portraits/Ben and Robin Pasley, Waterdeep/Don and Lori Chafer, Ben Kennedy, Barry and Michelle Patterson, Kate Hurley)? How about playing music written by those who work with one body of believers for a time, leading them in praise and adoration, rather than those professionals who show up, put on a glitzy show or conference, then are gone before people come down off the natural high of a rock concert and find out how shallow these songs are in daily life?

Because the masses love it. Because bland songs are easy to sing, and when the soundguy bumps it loud, and the musical energy is high, and everyone is swept away in the concert, the musicians can drop it down, strip away all the music and let the audience (not congregation, not body of believers, audience) sing along, and feel the powerful sway that all music has. Then we believe we have had a spiritual experience. Nevermind that the words held no meaning, nevermind that Britany Spears does the exact same damn thing. It happened at church, so it must be God, right? Right?


I have found that every close encounter I have had with god has been frightening. Not in a "ooh, wasn't that scary cool?" way, but in a bone jarring, fight-or flight, fear of death way. Even more amazing is that the draw to experience it, to collide with god, is even stronger. And I walk away with a complete inability to explain the beauty of it. My very limited understanding of Christian mysticism suggests that I am far from alone in this.

When was the last time you were scared for your life in church?

Discothèque

Why is it that whenever I get into contemplating "IT" (that mashup of faith, life, theology, psychology, church, philosophy) I keep going back to U2 lyrics?

I was listening to Discothèque today and was completely blown away by it. In the midst of all the happy dance beats, blippy non-guitar-like guitar noises, and the video dressed like the Village People inside a gigantic lemon-shaped disco ball, this song managed to touch on how the masses scream for the shiny, happy feeling they know is meaningless, and longing for more in the midst of all that.

You know you're chewing bubble gum
You know what that is but you still want some
You just can't get enough
Of that lovie dovie stuff

But you take what you can get
'Cause it's all that you can find
But you know there's something more
But tonight, tonight, tonight...